For the long-term caregiver carrying a quiet, unspoken grief, and how The Balance Path™ can help you hold both love and loss.
They’re right there. You can hold their hand, hear their voice, help them into their chair. And still, you miss them. You miss the way they used to laugh at your jokes. The conversations you used to have. The partner, parent, or friend who used to take care of you sometimes. The plans you made together for this stage of life. If you’ve felt this, you may also have felt confused, or even guilty: How can I be grieving someone who is still here? At Luna Sol Wellbeing, we want to say it plainly: what you’re feeling is real, it has a name, and you are far from alone.
A Grief Without a Name Tag
When someone dies, the world recognizes the loss with services, sympathy cards, and support. But when the losses come slowly while the person is still living, there are few rituals and little acknowledgment. Grief counselors call this experience:
- Anticipatory grief: Grief that begins before a loss is complete, often during a progressive or prolonged illness.
- Ambiguous loss: Losing someone who is physically present but psychologically or emotionally changed, as often happens with dementia, stroke, or cognitive decline.
Neither experience means you have given up on the person you love. They simply mean you love them deeply enough to feel every gradual change.
What You Might Be Grieving
- Who they used to be: Their humor, independence, memory, and personality.
- The relationship you had: When a spouse begins to feel like a patient, or a parent feels like a child, the foundational roles of your life shift.
- The future you planned: Setting aside trips, retirement milestones, and the ordinary years you expected to share is a profound loss.
- Your own life as it was: Grieving your own lost freedom, energy, and friendships is honest, not selfish.
- Small, daily milestones: The last time they drove, the last meal they cooked, or the day a familiar name was forgotten.
Holding Both Truths on The Balance Path™
Phase 1: Relax — Letting the Grief Be Real
The first step is simply giving yourself permission to call this grief without feeling disloyal to the person in front of you.
A Gentle Practice: Naming What You Miss
In a quiet moment, write down on paper: “I miss…” as many times as you need to. Give voice to what has changed. Put your hand over the page and take three slow breaths. You have given your grief a safe place to land.
Phase 2: Restore — Making Room to Feel
When grief has no room, it comes out sideways — as irritability, exhaustion, or emotional numbness.
A Gentle Practice: The Grief Break
Once or twice a week, set aside ten intentional minutes that belong solely to your feelings. Sit in your car, take a quiet walk, or listen to music that allows tears to come. Then gently return to your day.
Phase 3: Rebuild — Holding Both Truths
Rebuild is learning that you do not have to choose between grieving what was and loving who is here today.
A Gentle Practice: “And” Sentences
Write sentences that bridge both truths:
“I miss our long conversations, AND I still love sitting beside him in the quiet evening.”
“I grieve the retirement we planned, AND I am grateful for the smile she gave me this morning.”
Phase 4: Rise — Finding Meaning in the Present
Rise isn’t about “getting past” this grief; it is about uncovering moments of genuine connection alongside it.
A Gentle Practice: Today’s Treasure
Each evening, note one moment that mattered: a shared laugh, a familiar touch, or a quiet second of peace. Over time, these small treasures become a record of love enduring through hardship.
Check In With Your Balance Phase
Our free 7-question Spiral Assessment helps caregivers discover their current state and receive practical, phase-matched reflections.
Take the Caregiver Spiral Assessment →When to Reach for More Support
You don’t have to carry anticipatory grief alone. Support groups for caregivers, counselors specializing in ambiguous loss, and organizations like the Alzheimer's Association (alz.org) provide compassionate community and resources.
A Note from Our Founder
“From April 2017 until June 6, 2020, I cared for my wife of 20 years, Kelly, through her cancer treatments. There were moments, and whole days, while I was caring for Kelly when I grieved losing what we had, and especially what we were not going to have. If you are grieving someone who is still here, I want you to know your grief is real, and it is a measure of your love. You deserve care, too.”
— Alex Berrios Sr., Founder, Luna Sol Wellbeing